I attempted suicide at 15.
When I awoke from my failed attempt, one of the first things Elohim told me was "I'm not done with you. You have more to do on earth."
It was a message that had echoed through various people and encounters for the past year, so I took it as my mission to shine my light on the world. 3 homes, 2 years on the streets, and an abyss of revelations later, I have come to find such different meaning in the words He spoke to me almost 10 years ago.
I have come to find a different sort of path to tread, a unique light to illuminate, and a far better plan then I could have ever imagined.
When God speaks into your life and says, “I know the plans I have for you, great plans for you to prosper, a future of hope,” we can get this idea that it is going to align with all our ideas and dreams. We believe that God’s plan will match our wants and passions.
But our minds are so microscopic. Our thoughts are mere weeds among the giant redwoods of God’s ways. We are so miniature in this universe, and our sight and minds are even smaller.
The past few years have been a journey of letting go. I had to learn to let go of things I grasped too tightly to and to things and people I placed my identity in. Ideas I just assumed would make me happy and dreams that I thought would satisfy me had to be abandoned.
My life has been a journey into a desert of desolation only to be shown a much grander picture than I could have ever painted in my mind's eye.
When God tells me to trust the plan that he has for me, how could I do anything but follow? How could I even think to stop myself from running full speed towards His plans?
At some point, if one is willing to listen and truly has the heart and drive, your spirit is called away from the small, mediocre universe you created where everything revolves around you, into a vast and unknowing world.
Slowly, ever so slowly, He starts to take the pleasures that you prided yourself in away. All of it. One molecule at a time until you are in lonesome desert, scared and angry and wanting nothing more than to go back to your old and terrible life. But, a voice speaks softly to you and tells you of all the wonders that lie beyond this desert, of the towering cathedrals and vast mountains. Something resembling faith starts to build in you and pushes you through the dryness and desert you encounter along the journey. With the hand of God, you keep pressing on to find the sacred wilderness that he is leading you to.
I am seeking far greater things than anything I have left behind me.
Written by: Chenaniah Keshka