"Life throws curve balls. Be ready."
I understand now, what I didn't understand then. This is a life saying I have recently learned to come to terms with. Maybe I have just grown closer to Jesus these past few months to grasp this understanding, or perhaps I just have grown up a bit more. Both reasons have built me either way.
Childhood trauma, that's a strong hold in my life I didn't recognize was there, until last month in one of our class worship nights. I pray over it every day now. As I sat in the back of my class, crying and praying, everything clicked in my head. All of the once confused puzzle pieces were now put together.
Childhood trauma comes with flashbacks, anxiety, depression and FEAR. Finally, I realized everything that was holding me back and it all made sense now. Fear is an obstacle I have always faced. Fear of the future: I never knew what to expect or who would be with me. I didn't really have parents per say, no one ever stayed in my life. Letting people fully into my heart was a huge no, it's something I have to work at daily. Fear of my past: my past would always be there, always a reminder of who I once was. You can't erase the past.
Due to my deep-rooted fear of the unknown, my anxiety would then kick in. More often than not, I would always end up near a trash can throwing up from my anxiety—including in my dorm room here in LA. Thank God for my amazing, praying, understanding roommate (fun fact: she's from Norway!). l let myself drown in my emotions, I would have never talk about them. I hid them away and still do hide them away at times. I always thought it was better to hide my feelings (it's not, don't do it). People couldn't judge me if I kept things hidden, no one would ever have to know my traumatic childhood. It could stay a secret. However, secrets have a way of destroying a person's heart.
Some days I wonder, what's my purpose and then thoughts of do I matter, who really loves me, etc. I second guess my self-worth and whose I really am. Am I a special, unique, Jesus girl? Or just another ordinary, young, college kid- just plain and simple, living a regular life?
All of those moments, memories, and life events stayed with me and lead me to where I am now: that broken season in life. That season of finding my identity in Jesus. The point of no return. The time when I have to face myself, to make myself into who HE, Jesus, really called me to be. Instead of believing all of the death that was spoken over me growing up, it was time for life to be spoken over me. It was time for a new season and life chapter. It was time for me to believe it could happen.
“Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits." Proverbs 18:21
See guys, I would like to tell you that I have this happy life 24/7, I don't. Many days I fight these inner battles and have had to learn forgiveness of myself, others and daily speaking life into myself. I don't live a perfect, happy, Christian life. Really, who does? Everyone has those off days.
“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." Colossians 3:13
Life is hard guys. I don't have the perfect answers for you or the perfect scripture to give you. I don't know why bad things happen to good people, I don't know why parents leave, I don't know why divorce exists, I don't know why people hurt kids, I don't know why life isn't fair, I don't know. I don't know. I do know, that in all of that questioning, Jesus is still there and though you may not see it in the moments of hurt, he is still good. He wants us to see him in our darkest hour, the hour when we most want to leave him. It's easier to leave him, than trust him. Always keep faith in him.
I don't know a lot and I question a lot of things myself, but I do know he is still there. He is still faithful, still loving, still kind, still pursuing you and me, still weeping when we weep, still brushing away the tears we think he doesn't see. He is there. Always there. A prayer away, a worship song away. It's hard to believe, I know. But, he is there with you.
“Jesus wept." John 11:35
Jesus didn't intend for bad things to happen to us, that's where sin came in. But, yes bad things do happen. Things that just can't be explained. This is where you choose if you’re going to let those moments build or break you. You choose. I choose every day. You’re not alone. Either way Jesus will just be waiting for you to come back. He sees you. He hears you. He recognizes your prayers. He's got you. Find peace in that, like I have. I may not know why things happen, but you know what? He's got me. I’ve got peace. Someone close to me once told me, “find that place you find peace and don't let it go." Find your place of peace. Remember it's not going to be perfect, but it will be worth it. I am right beside you fighting with you and for you. I am fighting for me too. I believe in you. You can do it. It's going to get tough, don't give up. Keep persevering on. I see you. I am proud of you. I love you!
Written By: Vanessa