The Struggle with Acceptance

I am coming to realize the inner depths of my soul. The things that are not pure are literally
being exposed and the thing is, I asked for this. I asked the Lord to come into my life and
remove everything that was not from Him. I knew that sin would be removed but, I did not know
if my heart knew that it would be an uncomfortable experience. That my sin would be exposed
to the light. I would be seen for who I really am. Recently the issue has been brought up due to
a terrible decision I made. I have confessed it to the Lord and now I am more worried about
others opinions of me and being exposed for the sinner I am. I am in the season in my life that if
I am not in the right mindset I can easily believe that I am not worthy. Fall 2017 I transferred to a
new university after graduating from a junior college. I was so happy to start my life in a new
town and finish off my schooling. I moved out my small hometown and moved to the city of
Houston. I thought everything was going go easy and that everything would fall into place
because this is what God wanted for me. As soon as started attending classes at this school I
learned that this was going to be a battle. I spent most of that semester crying in my dorm,
praying for a miracle because I realized I could not afford it. The end of semester comes around
and I am short some money and God provides some money that I misplace two years ago. I
walk into the office at the school to pay off this money and they tell me “umm… you owe this
amount”. The amount was bigger than I expected. I could not produce this money working two
jobs on campus. When I tell you I broke mentally, my mind went into shock. I felt my heart break
I mean I felt it within me. This situation was truly painful. My roommate found me an hour later
crying under my bed praying because, I did not know what to do. I questioned everything. I did
not know why I was brought to this school. Why I allow myself to make friends here when I
would have to leave. Why I allowed myself to have a crush who goes to that school and most
importantly if I really heard from God that this was the place for me.

I was in a weird transition in life that I could not run back to my hometown because I had
no where to stay and I could not stay at the school I once attend. It still hurts writing this. I ended
up not going back Spring 2018 but I went back to campus every Thursday for bible study.
Ashamed of my circumstance I did not tell truth about my circumstance to people when they
asked me. I lied because I was afraid I would be seen as a nobody. I was afraid that I was not
worthy to be in these peoples presence. That I was overall dumb for trying. It is wild the lies that
our placed in our hearts and what we believe. A verse that has truly help me during this time in
my life is Deuteronomy 4:29-31.
But from there you will search for the Lord your God, and you will find him when
you seek him with all your heart and all your soul. When you are in distress and all these
things have happened to you, in the future you will return to the Lord your God and obey
him. He will not leave you, destroy you, or forget the covenant with your father that he
swore to them by oath, because the Lord your God is a compassionate God.

I have confessed to God for the lies that I told people in an attempt to cover my shame but I am
scared to let them know the wrong I have done because I want to be accepted. Overall my
problem is that I want to be accepted and I fear rejection. I do not want to be seen for my

shortcoming. I want to be seen for Emmanuelle. Somehow I forgot in my brokenness God will
use it for His kingdom. I want to be look at and seen for the good in me, knowing it is from God
because I am not good. The only reason why anyone would think I am good is because God
has qualified me. Right now I am trying to teach my heart to understand that. My worth should
come from God and God alone. I truly hope that the people I have done wrong truly forgive me
but, if not I am not defined by that. For those who struggle with acceptance I pray your heart is
rooted in Christ. Everything will be okay. God is a compassionate God, and He has not forgotten
Written by : Emmanuelle