I was the girl who was afraid of going nowhere in life, but now I’m more afraid of not living the life God is calling me to.
I am a die-hard planner. At any given moment, I can tell you about my plans to live in England for a year, what I will be doing each summer, and what seminaries I will be applying to. I knew that I wanted to work immediately after I finish my undergrad and then I would go off to seminary. I was going to work as a camp counselor this summer, and next school year I would have a hall leadership position. I would then spend a summer in Greece as I worked with human trafficking victims and then I would spend the year in England as I did ministry and finished undergrad. The not so funny thing is, none of my plans are coming into fruition.
It seems like each time I turn around God is telling me “no.” Doors are slamming in my face, and frankly, I am hating every moment of it. I don’t appreciate the fact that my plans are not working out the way that I wanted them to. And I certainly don’t appreciate the fact that I don’t see any new plans forming because God has drawn me into a period of silence and waiting.
I know all of the clichés. Yes, God has my future under control. Yes, God’s will is better than my own. And yes, I just need to trust God a little bit more, and it will all work out the way he intended it to.
The thing is, there is nothing comfortable or natural about saying those words. I know those truths in theory, but coming to a place where I genuinely believe them is painful. Despite how unnatural it is, I have to come to a place where I am content with waiting. I must come to a place where I am at peace with the notion of not having my will. Ultimately, I have to trust that the will of God is better than my own.
God’s will has collided with my will, and it has resulted in my doors being shut. When the will of God collides with the will of man, something must submit, and it is the will of man that must submit. Truthfully, I want God’s plan to be the path that I follow, but my frustration lies in the fact that now I truly don’t know what tomorrow looks like. For the first time, I have to genuinely step back and surrender my life. For the first time, I have to honestly believe that God’s will is better than my own plan, despite the fact that I don’t know what his will is. It is far better for me to be in a place of discomfort and waiting for God’s direction than to be in the comfort of my own plans.
Not knowing anything has been the most painful part of this process, but I know that it will develop into the most beautiful part of this process. While there is nothing natural about placing my trust in a God who is withholding his plan, that is where my soul is most at rest. There is something so incredibly beautiful that happens when I relinquish control of my life. While I have felt incredibly confused and lost, I know that this time will prove itself to be for my benefit. And no, typing those words has not been easy, but that’s faith. Faith is letting go of my desires in the hope that God will prove himself to be far better than anything I can do for myself. It is better for me to follow a path that I cannot currently see than to have my own will come into fruition. Even though I feel out of place, I can rest assured that it better to trust God in this season of confusion than to place my trust in myself. This season will draw me closer to God because it will force me to remain dependent upon his and his sovereignty. I can only bring myself pain, but my God brings about a perfect plan.
Written By: Tara